Dose for 26th Apr,2006

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he
discovers that his poor patient has had practically every
therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improve-
ment.

"Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too.., and the
advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned
in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my
own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a
nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife
sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand...especially
around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of
the tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex... and almost always
the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come
back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc!
I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has
ever helped me!"

"Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice
house."

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The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice
that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This
was particularly interesting, because the institution already
had a 'Lord Nelson.' The head psychiatrist, after due
consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room,
feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt
an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was
a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react
violently to one another, but they were introduced and then
left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that
night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient
and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told:
"Doctor, I’ve been suffering from a delusion. I know now that
I am not Lord Nelson."

"That’s wonderful," said the doctor.

"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I’m Lady Nelson."

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Dose for 7th Apr,2006

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a  
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where  
were you the night of August 24th?"  

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"  

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand.  
"I don't mind answering the question."  

"I object!" the defense said again.  

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."  

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there  
is no reason for the defense to object."  

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the  
night of August 24th?"  

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"  

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A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were  
married twenty-five years before he died," she said,  
dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those  
years."  

"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"  

"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward." 

 

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In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:  
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"  

In England they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your  
wife is?"  

In France they say, "It's 11o'clock do you know where your  
husband is?"  

In Poland they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know what  
time it is?"  

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Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western  
civilization.  

Moses said the law is everything.  
Jesus said love is everything.  
Marx said capital is everything.  
Freud said sex is everything.  
Einstein said everything is relative.  

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Q: Why do surgeons wear facemasks?  

A: So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it.  

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Can the English language survive after Bush?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is ' to be prepared '."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future. "
- George W. Bush

" The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush

" We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

" I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

" Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children. "
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

" It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

Marketing concepts

Professor at IIM explaining marketing concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very
rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich.
Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your
tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By
the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"You are very rich.."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich.
Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very
rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband
That's demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say,
"I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you
------------ she is your wife!
That's competition eating into your market share.

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So be aware of Marketing concepts my dear friends which will definitely
helps in ur Personal life.

Kahani Me Twist !!

Love story: hero loves heroine,but heroine loves villain,but villain loves
hero sister,but hero sister loves heroine brother.but heroine brother loves
villain sister.but villain sister loves hero brother.but hero brother loves
heroine.but heroine loves villain. finally 2 ppl commit siucide. hu's dat?

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. Producer n Director

Was That Love

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.

I thought I was in love three times, one friend says. How so his friend
asks.

Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.
Was that not love his friend asks. No, he replies. That was obsession.

And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't
understand me. Was that not love No, he replies. That was lust.

And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She
was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed
her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach.

Was that not love his friend asks. No, he replies. That was seasickness.

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell

The little girl replied, Then you ask him.
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, I'm drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill.
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom

Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, She's dead.
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..

Yes, the class said.

Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet

A little fellow shouted,

Cause your feet ain't empty.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray

Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Laws Of Life

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Governance System

As daily habit litte Johnny was reading newspaper.

Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System' ? "

" Its Like...", father said while thinking, " See! I earn and bring

Money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'.

You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?".

That day Johnny slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matresses so he was crying.

Johnny went to wake-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Johnny went to the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping. So he came back with frustration.

Next morning father asked Johnny, " Hey Johnny! You understood the 'Governance System'? ".

Johnny replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying For not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man Is suffering!"